A good marriage should be balanced, nourish each other, check and balance each other.
above the point
in intimate relationships, we all yearn to be favored and tolerated.
but many times, we mistake doting for favouritism and connivance for tolerance.
recently I saw a sad tragedy.
A couple drove to pick up their 3-year-old daughter, but they quarreled over "eating hot pot" on the road.
my wife says she wants to eat hot pot instead of babysitting.
the husband insisted that he should look after the children first, and then go to eat hot pot together.
the wife sitting in the back row saw that her husband did not agree to her request.
in a fit of anger, she chose to open the door and jump out of the car while the car was still moving.
the husband found out and called 120 in time, but he died because his wife fell to the ground on her head and caused severe craniocerebral injury.
I thought this was another tragedy caused by emotional loss of control, but when I saw the material during the trial, I found that there was something else behind it.
it turns out that this wife is usually gluttonous and lazy, pays no attention to her family and pays no attention to her children.
not only that, she also owes a lot of loans for her own food and drink.
and the husband?
while taking care of his young daughter, he works hard to pay his wife's debts.
after knowing the truth, people feel that their husband is very pitiful, and it is not easy.
but a detailed analysis of the reasons behind the tragedy shows that even though the husband is aggrieved, he is not entirely free from fault.
for all kinds of actions of his wife, he always plays the role of a "patient" old man, but chooses to be "tolerant" silently.
the wife's instant loss of control when she jumped out of a car may have something to do with her husband's connivance over the years.
in marriage and intimate relationships, we often have such a misunderstanding, as if the person who did not take the initiative to do something wrong is innocent.
has been indulging each other, people who bear hardships passively should be sympathized with.
Marriage does need tolerance, but indulgence is not a long-term way to run a business.
A good marriage is like a game. We have to compete with each other in order to be happy.
if we turn each other into an incompetent chess player, we will only lose both sides in the end.
all the consequences of compromise will also be borne by two people.
spoil your partner as a child
may raise a "giant baby"
in Charlotte annoyance, Charlotte and Ma Dongmei are a "mother-child couple".
after they got married, Charlotte talked about all kinds of ambitions, but never made a penny.
Ma Dongmei works several jobs, sells coolies to support her family, and takes care of Charlotte, who stays at home all day.
but even so, Ma Dongmei still enjoys it and enjoys the process of being a mother to Charlotte.
until the wedding day of Charlotte's high school goddess, Charlotte wanted to express her love to the goddess.
experienced a fantastic dream in which he became a big star, married the goddess, but lost Ma Dongmei.
after waking up, Charlotte stopped thinking about the goddess, but clung to Ma Dongmei all day.
whether she is riding tricycle to pull people, or pulling cans to make money, or going for a walk to play mahjong.
Charlotte is wrapped around Ma Dongmei like a giant baby.
when I was young, when I saw this ending, I would feel that it was the return of the prodigal son, and everyone was happy.
but as you get older, you will understand:
will Charlotte really get better in the days to come? Is Ma Dongmei really not tired?
it seems that two people ushered in intimate love, but in fact it is a pattern of mutual consumption.
because spoiling your partner as a child is not a romantic word, but an emotional curse.
many people are used to finding someone who spoils themselves as a child in love or marriage.
there are also people who have a selfless heart of Notre Dame and like to spoil each other as children and take care of them as giant babies.
Wu Zhihong, a psychological consultant, said:
"the relationship between the giant baby and the Virgin Mary can only be hanged by symbiosis in the end."
they need and consume each other.
the Virgin needs to stand on the commanding heights of morality and enjoy her infallible sense of nobility.
Giant babies need to get time, energy and money from the Virgin Mother.
one day, when each other is exhausted, the relationship will come to an end.
tolerance of matters of principle
is equivalent to having no principles
in an intimate relationship, everyone may have a moment of retrogression.
We always think of ourselves as a child, hoping to get each other's boundless and unprincipled preference.
but the problem is that endurance and tolerance is love of drinking poison to quench thirst and candy wrapped in poison.
there is a question on Zhihu:
"what's it like to fall in love with a spoiled and overly selfish girl?"
A netizen told his true story.
he said to sum up in one sentence:
"her mistakes must always be forgiven, and yours can never be forgiven."
he does.Spoil your girlfriend as your daughter and indulge her capriciousness.
if your girlfriend wants to know his whereabouts at any time, she can delete the female friends in his circle of friends at any time.
for these "small actions", his choice is to tolerate his girlfriend and be silent and patient.
slowly, he found that his girlfriend's capriciousness was becoming more and more excessive.
until once, when he worked overtime until late at night, a female intern who was still a senior in the company could not get a taxi, so he chose to drive her home.
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did not expect that this incident was accidentally learned by his girlfriend, so he went to the company to make a scene, saying that the female intern was a third party.
the story was spread to the female intern's school and became known to everyone.
people have been rescued, they have serious psychological problems because they have been stimulated.
my girlfriend panicked and cried and begged him.
and he also chose to break up, bear all the medical expenses, and compensate for a large amount of loss.
in fact, true love always has a bottom line.
firm and friendly, peaceful and powerful.
intimacy is between two adults, and adults should have their own responsibilities and bottom lines.
psychologist Fromm thinks:
"True love can evoke something alive in each other, and both sides will be full of happiness."
unprincipled connivance is like a black bottomless pit. If you can't fill him, he can't get enough.
the highest level of getting along with husband and wife
is dynamic balance
Nobody is innocent in a bad relationship.
even the person who plays the role of a parent, who pays a lot and indulges without principle, is also an emotional consumer.
just because you are in pain and sacrifice, you can be exonerated.
A good relationship is a process of maintaining dynamic balance between two independent people.
there are four common patterns of intimacy:
I can, you can't; I can't, you can;
I can't, and neither can you; I can, and so can you.
the first three models are unhealthy models in which one party is a parent and the other is a child.
only the last one, "I can do it, you can do it" is the most comfortable intimacy.
talented scientist Qian Xuesen and his wife Jiang Ying met when they were young, and when they grew up, they worked hard in different fields.
the two people instantly fell in love and entered the marriage hall.
after her marriage, Jiang Ying did not choose to be the "woman behind", but continued to focus on her own growth.
Qian Xuesen often went home to say hello to Jiang Ying and went into the study to do research.
but he always thought that his wife's music gave him a lot of inspiration and strength.
Jiang Ying has been improving her career as she looks at her husband's intentions and efforts.
under the mode of supporting and encouraging each other, they have made great achievements in their respective fields.
the greatest advantage of this independent, equal marriage is that two people have their own strength and do not emotionally blackmail.
and "parent-child couples" seem to be intimate.
is actually undifferentiated, independent and blackmailing each other.
A good marriage should be balanced, nourish each other, check and balance each other.
because the most romantic thing is not to grow old with you, but to get better with you.
, may we all gain a better self in our marriage.