May we respect the choices of others and live as we like.
have you ever heard a comment like this?
"you look easy to get along with. Why are you so withdrawn and do not like to socialize with others?"
in some people's point of view, "friendly" and "loner" should be two opposing words. A person has few friends and does not like to socialize with people. He is likely to be withdrawn and introverted, indifferent to others, and has nothing to do with "friendliness".
but there are such people around us who have a good personality and high EQ, can properly handle the relationship with everyone, but are not so gregarious.
these are often the reasons why a person likes to be a loner though he is obviously friendly.
sensitive heart, afraid of bothering others
when talking to others, do you can't help but observe the reaction of Ta?
will you worry about saying the wrong thing because others are unhappy?
can a casual expression or action of others make you think?
if you have the above performance, then you are likely to be a "highly sensitive person".
this kind of people tend to pay too much attention to other people's words and deeds, ponder over and over again in mind, afraid of bothering others, or leave a bad impression.
in the face of negative feedback from others, they feel physically and mentally exhausted in constant suspicion, speculation and self-doubt.
when a person is unable to get energy in social interaction, but only consumes energy, he begins to avoid social interaction.
but escape does not mean indifference, sensitive people tend to have a strong empathy ability, they are acutely aware of the needs of others, and take the initiative to lend a helping hand.
because they can't bear the loss of others, they are not good at refusing, and sometimes even if they can't help, they feel guilty about not being able to help.
when they need help, they are never willing to ask for help. One is that they do not want to bother others, and the other is that their already sensitive hearts will be hit again after they are afraid of being rejected.
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when passers-by ask for directions, they enthusiastically give directions; when they get lost, they would rather navigate than ask for directions.
when colleagues and friends are in trouble, they will come forward; if they are in trouble, no matter how aggrieved and difficult they are, they are used to carrying it alone.
they have a good relationship with everyone around them, but they like to eat alone, go out alone, solve problems alone, like a quiet and undisturbed world, and rarely disturb others.
A sensitive person is a hedgehog with a soft heart. In order to avoid stabbing others and do not want to hurt himself, he has to stay away from the crowd.
like to be alone, keep your energy to yourself
for some people, they feel comfortable and safe only when they are accompanied by someone.
but for people who like to be alone, external stimulation will take away their energy, and only being alone can recharge themselves.
they tend to be these two kinds of people:
one is an unsociable person. Due to the lack of skills, socializing becomes brain-consuming and laborious, and it is difficult for them to experience happiness in socializing. You only need to have a few bosom friends and be content with mild socializing.
the other is smart people. A study published in the British Journal of Psychology showed that people who excel at work and study tend to prefer to be alone.
solitude can give people the opportunity to think independently and improve their own time, which is a precipitation of wisdom.
at the same time, most smart people have some unique characteristics, and it is difficult for them to fit in if they don't meet similar people.
in fact, there is no need to be gregarious, they have the ability to solve problems independently, and they have a lower need for exchange value. Socializing is just the icing on the cake, not timely help.
of course, being alone does not mean being completely isolated from sociality. towards people who are close, they will also show kindness and try their best to integrate into the group, but they still want to do what they like.
it is more comfortable to read, write and watch movies alone, even if you do nothing but stay alone.
for them, being alone is not loneliness, but enjoyment.
from being alone, they have learned to face life calmly and understand that all noise is emptiness, and only by improving themselves can they really benefit.
socialize selectively and pay attention to the quality of making friends
you must have found that the older a person is, the fewer friends he can make.
in the past, in order to pursue identity and show that they were sociable, they made friends. As they gradually matured, the definition of friends became clearer and clearer, and they were better able to tell what kind of relationships were worth maintaining.
with so many people coming and going every day, there are only a handful of people who can become friends. The Wechat list can hold thousands of people, and only one or two really talk to each other.
most people maintain a "social tacit understanding"--
if you don't come to me, I won't look for you.
keep friendly while taking precautions at the same time;
it is agreed to reschedule, but the specific date is not fixed.
enthusiastically add Wechat to each other, and then slowly sink to the bottom of the list.
instead of wandering around in such useless social activities, it is better to save time and energy for people around you who are worth cherishing.
the more mature a person is, the better he or she is at social subtraction.
in the heart of Ta, he only wants to maintain high-quality friendships and is willing to devote energy to relationships that can communicate effectively and have equal values.
if people around you don't agree with Ta, they are in a relationship of "you say yours, I'm not interested" or "you say yours, I don't agree", out of courtesy.Appearance and self-cultivation, Ta will maintain the surface of peace, will also be friendly, but the heart is more willing to be alone.
they know very well that quality, not quantity, is the most important thing in making friends.
compared with people who socialize blindly, they have a richer spiritual world, they do not need to enrich themselves socially, they have more stable emotions and lives, and they do not need to rely on others to provide emotional and material support.
to choose to be a loner is not to suppress yourself, but to know how to weigh and choose.
introverted, more passive
if some people choose to be alone because they "don't want to socialize", then introverts are "unable to socialize".
being not good at socializing seems to be the natural "weakness" of introverts, and their strength lies in exploring their inner world and talking to themselves.
they have a strong insight into details, are good at thinking, and social meetings disturb their state of mind, so they are used to staying away from the crowd and being alone.
because they are not willing to socialize, if they are forced to stay in a social environment, they will feel anxious and uneasy, and the lack of social skills will also make them fall into a state of embarrassment and discomfort, thus further avoiding social interaction.
for them, socializing is a matter of high consumption and low income, which consumes inner energy, but can not bring themselves a positive emotional experience, nor can they use communication skills in exchange for beneficial things.
since you are not good at socializing and can't get value, you don't have to force yourself. Flinching is also a choice.
but they don't close themselves up. They seldom take the initiative in interpersonal communication, but if someone approaches and makes friends, they are willing to open their hearts.
when you are not familiar with them, you will feel that they are withdrawn and aloof, but when you get close, you find that introverts are not necessarily difficult to get along with.
passivity is the result of character, and friendliness is their attitude of making friends and a signal of goodwill, indicating that they are willing to exchange sincerity for sincerity.
often suffer losses and have no choice but to protect themselves
my friend Lily is a "post-it girl" in the eyes of her colleagues, and she appears wherever she is needed.
but this kindness, in exchange for only a "you are so nice", and countless losses.
when her colleagues didn't have time to buy breakfast, she took it for her colleagues, but the other party forgot to pay for it several times. She politely reminded her, or put it off again and again.
she always helps enthusiastically with problems that her colleagues can't deal with, but she gets no gratitude when she does it well, and complains when she can't do it well.
it was taken for granted that she printed documents for her colleagues again and again. Once she had something on hand and refused her colleagues, she heard them whisper complaints.
Lily put up with it again and again until once, when a colleague wanted to move, Lily helped find out a suitable place to live, and her colleague was very satisfied and asked Lily to pay a deposit.
the next day, my colleague suddenly said that he would not rent it. if the deposit was not returned, he pretended to be deaf and unwilling to return the money, and complained that Lily was hasty.
incident, Lily seemed to be a different person. although she would greet her colleagues warmly, she turned down all parties and invitations and stopped taking the initiative to communicate with her colleagues.
she originally thought that if she was kind to others, they would also be nice to her, and that sincerity could be exchanged for true friends and interpersonal convenience, but later found out that it was not as simple as she thought.
kindness should have a choice. If you give it to the wrong person, you will not only get unappreciated, but also hurt yourself.
it is nature to be friendly to others. Since you can't learn to reject others, you have to reduce interpersonal contact, guard against others as much as possible, and minimize harm.
being alone is not only a helpless choice, but also a way to protect yourself.
"Why do some people like to be alone when they are friendly?"
A high praise on Zhihu replied:
"solitude is character, and friendliness is self-cultivation."
I think so.
being friendly is their attitude of dealing with the world, while walking alone is to improve themselves through being alone, to leave their enthusiasm to more important people, and to save themselves.
everyone has their own way of life. May we respect the choices of others and live as we like.